Singled Out

"So what's new with you then, Cat?" 

It's a perfectly reasonable question, it's a normal question, but today it makes my head spin, stuck somewhere between jealousy and shame.

We've just been through the newsreel of friends and family members, people I've known for decades and there only seems to be one kind of news update: engagements, weddings, pregnancies and babies. In contrast, I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. I feel like some kind of social leper. A pariah. Family news? "Er, my mum and dad .... are really enjoying the grandchildren." "My sister? Yes, really busy with the boys. Husband doing well too." And me? "Er, I'm still .... teaching...." 

Then the compassionate yet condescending advice:

- You know, you probably should go to a different church.

- You should try online dating.

- It's like a job, Cat, you need to get your CV out there. 

- You really need to change your social circle. 

I head home, heart set to grumble. But I know that I don't have anything to grumble about. I really don't. Culture and conversations can keep insisting that biological family and fruitfulness is the barometer of happiness and worth but (the Holy Spirit prods me) they are wrong. They are wrong. 

God is sovereign. And he is good. Singleness and marriage are good gifts that come from him, the Father of lights, who does not change. Good gifts are from above. (James 1). Not from manipulation and manoeuvring. 

We are fools if we think the relationships we have are down to us. In the wise words of C.S Lewis:

“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.” 

Being single means living with longing, yes. A longing to be chosen. For someone to choose you, with joy and conviction.

But the wonder is we have been. If you're a Christian, Jesus has chosen you. Joyfully and with complete conviction. He takes great delight in you. He rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3). His love will go the distance. He will never let you down and he will never let you be alone. It's not the kind of chosen you asked for, and sometimes your heart is so twisted it's not even the kind of chosen you want but it is the "chosen" that really matters. That is the "chosen" that can give you joy in living a life that looks frankly weird and empty when viewed through worldly lenses. And the relationships that you have? Don't undervalue them just because they're not coated in romance. They have been chosen for you.